My Testimony – April 2004 to October 2006

I’ve accepted Christ into my life as my Lord and Saviour two and a half years ago, and I’ve been going to church for almost two years now. I was baptized last September, and I shared my testimony with the congregation that day. Yet now after a year, I feel a strong urge to put down in words how the Lord has changed me from the inside out. For me, most of the change took place last year, 2005. Most of this year, 2006, has really been a journey for me. A journey of seeking forgiveness, of seeking holiness, of seeking God’s hand in my life, to use me and to dwell in me.

After receiving Christ into my life, I felt a pressure to change. Pressure to quit smoking, to take a strict stand against pornography, against self-gratification and also against vulgarities. I didn’t read the Word, or attend church, but now I realise that back then, I was feeling the pressure to become Christ-like. For He lives in me, and everyday He is changing me from the inside to become more like Him. It’s like an object being shrink-wrapped. As the air inside gets sucked out, the wrapping takes the shape of the object until it becomes almost one with the object. I guess that’s where I want the ending point of my life to be.

But it wasn’t all easy and smooth-sailing. When I quit smoking, I gave myself reasons such as “for health reasons” or “because it’s a sin” each time. But I didn’t have firm grounds for such reasons, and it’s often not long before the soft ground I’m standing on give way and I find myself returning to the old habit. It was only until this year on Jan 3, after returning home from a nights-out with the guys, which included beer and a few sticks, that I made a firm resolution before God to stop smoking for good. And this time I stood on firm ground.

At that point I wanted to start living a holy life, which included not doing things that did not please God, because I desired to be a holy vessel and for the Holy Spirit to dwell in me and to use me for His works. I also recognized the fact that it would be humanly impossible for me to live a holy life, hence I asked God to come into me so that I could live a holy life. And from that day, not only have I not touched a cigarette, He has also kept me well from temptations. But still I recognize the fact that it’s not by my power or might that I can overcome, and therefore I still stay on guard against possible temptations and soft-grounds.

I thank God that I started going to church, end 2004, after two of my closest buddies, Lionel and Eugene, told me that I should go. I still remember how the conversation started. I was telling them about a Police canoeing competition I just took part in where I won gold from a mix event. For the whole day of the finals from morning to evening, the sky was partially cloudy, and the sun, though covered, had a halo with rainbow colours around it. The halo was there all the way from the heats in the morning to the finals in the evening, and every time I looked up at it, I just felt like God’s blessing was with me. Well I wasn’t sure about that because the singles event I was in drained me totally just for me to finish 6th. Yet I knew God was with me, and I prayed throughout the day. After I crossed the finish line for that adrenaline-rushing race in first place, I looked up to the skies to say a quick “thank-you”, and saw that the sky was clear and the halo wasn’t there anymore.

After I told all these to my buddies, they kind of laughed at me, but Lionel told me that if I wanted to thank God I should go to church. At that time his words really sank into me and at the end of the outing I was asking Eugene about the details of his church service and that Sunday I was there at his church. After a few visits there my sister, whom I told I was going to church, invited me to her church. Well, from a traditional, hymn-singing, homogenous seating during service church (nothing bad at all, I’m just trying to explain the setting), to a charismatic church (enough said), it was a culture shock.

That day was a day I recorded down in my journal. Though I had to adjust to the totally different setting there, my mind wasn’t at all bothered by it. God was dealing with me then. And I cried at the end of the service. The words, the songs, they were all speaking to me. I remember sitting in Macs after service, asking my sis if smoking was a sin. That night, I threw away a pack of newly bought cigarettes and my sis prayed for me when I did so. Although that wasn’t the last pack I had to throw away, looking back, that really was a turning point in my life.

Not long after, my sister’s then-boyfriend, now-husband, invited me to join them for cell group meeting. Thinking back, I don’t actually recall him mentioning the words cell group. Well, that was the start. Till now, I’ve been trying my best to faithfully attend every single meeting I’m called to, whether cell meetings or Pastor Roland’s tribe meetings. Not so I can boast about it, but because I can boast about Jesus, who will always be there to bless us each time we meet, and also because I’ll never know what God has installed for me, whether to bless me or to use me. Either way, I’m on for it.

Under Junyan’s guidance, along with the counsel and advice from Melvin and Brandon, I really did see myself growing in the Lord, much like a little child learning to speak and to walk. For a start, God taught me about faith. To believe in what we hope for, and certain of what we do not see. He also gave me courage, which I would need to overcome the challenges that I was going to encounter.

“When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me? ” Psalms 56:3-4. These words sank deep into my hearts, and they were there to see me through the deepest and darkest moments of my life till now. That period of time in my life was a phase I had never expected to go through, and by the time I realised what was going on, I was already way pass the starting point.

I could never have seen it coming. I just went for my encounter weekend. It was a blessed time spent at Hope Centre under Ps Roland. I remembered stepping out of that place feeling so “holy” that I felt like no temptations in the world could cause me to sin. And I managed to stay in that mode for quite a few days. The day after encounter I left for Bintan. There, I was the only one who wasn’t smoking. Not one stick throughout the 3 days. And I didn’t even feel tempted. But my life was in for a change shortly after that trip.

If I had to go into details about what happened after that I could easily write another paper. So I’ll try to simplify it to the extent that it can still get my message across. After that trip, I got myself entangled into a relationship mess that ended up the way all such messes end up in. Hurt. Hurt for every party involved. And still the mess wasn’t resolved. On top of that, I fell to sin. And the sum of it all was depression. For half a year, there were nights when I couldn’t sleep. Days when I couldn’t do anything, including eating. And times when I would just break down and cry myself silly. I would punch walls and bed frames when I got tired from drowning myself in my soaked pillow.

It took my strongest will to decide to break free from the chains for good. It wasn’t easy. By then, late 2005, I felt really dry. Spiritually dried and empty. I couldn’t feel the power of God living in me, the feeling I had after the encounter camp, the feeling I so desired. But my mind was made up. I wanted God more than anything in life. I surrendered my life to Jesus again, and it was then that I made up my mind for 2006 to be a holy year for me. Not that only this year will be holy, but that this year will be a start, a refinement, a preparation.

At the time of making this resolution, I wanted to get my life back on track for God so that He may live in me. I also wanted to feel Holy Spirit in me, so that I may feel like I have the power to face anything in life. Well, maybe a little immature in thinking. But God spoke to me at the end of the year when I was making this resolution before Him in church, asking Him to bless me in this. I felt God telling me that I should strive to be holy, so that I’ll be a holy vessel worthy of Him and that His spirit may dwell in me and use me. At the same time I also understand that it is not possible for me to be holy enough for God. No one can. God had me understand that unless the Holy Spirit is in me, I labour in vain to be holy. And by his grace and mercy and by what Jesus did for me on the cross, I felt like I had made peace with God on that day. However, I still felt held back after that.

Every time I wanted more of God, I felt like my sin was still in me, leeching a part of me. Because of that, I couldn’t really feel the power of God working in my life. Somewhere in me, I felt that God had not forgiven me and I would spend most of the time crying to God and begging for His forgiveness. It was only until the G12 conference early this year where I was emancipated.

Pastor Cesar invited the congregation to ask God for forgiveness and to receive it. I know that without receiving God’s forgiveness it’s almost impossible for me to move forward and receive what God wants to bless me with. When I stretched out my hands towards God, surrendering all thoughts of how unforgivable my sins are, I could feel God telling me that He wants to forgive me as long as I would repent before Him. But I have to take the step of faith and believe that He has forgiven me. From that moment, I felt a new lease of life. It was like the life that was robbed from me by the darkness was returned and a new light was shining onto me. I felt a new strength to move in God’s power to do His will and fulfill His purposes for my life. It was like the leash that was holding me back had been torn for good.

For the rest of the year, I had been on a simple journey of just obeying God and going where He tells me to and doing that which He instructs me to do. It was like a no-questions-asked, just-do-it kind of attitude. My slogan was “Don’t ask why, ask what.” “What do You want me to do Lord?” “What are your plans for me God?” I didn’t need to know the reasons behind instructions, I just listen and obey. It wasn’t that I was doing things blindly and hence didn’t need to know why I was doing them, but it was because I have faith in God. I have faith to trust His judgment and calling and to believe that He will explain to me the reasons at the right time. And often I realise that the right time comes much faster when we do first than when we ask first. I believe that God created us as logical beings and knows that we need logic and will explain things to us. But there are also certain things that are beyond logic and there’s where we need to exercise faith.

Throughout that period, I have been reminded again how much the Lord had changed me. Once, my mom was telling Junyan about how I used to be grouchy and how I never smiled in pictures. Now, I like to smile for pictures and when I’m out, I try my best not to look glum and grouchy. It is because I feel an overwhelming joy in me, a joy that’s ever present, even when external events cause me to be upset. It’s a joy from the Lord, and it’s definitely worth sharing with everyone around.

Then in September, I went for my second encounter camp and this time round, I was there to be a guide. It was really something I felt totally unprepared for; something I felt was beyond my qualification. I haven’t even completed half of SOL1, nor had I really ministered to others or been trained in anyway for this. I didn’t know how to impart spiritual gifts to others and I didn’t even have the gift of tongues myself. I told my cell leader about my reservations, but I also told him that if he still wants me to go, I’ll go. And yup, he still wanted me to go.

I was still worried, and a little skeptical, of myself mainly. So I prayed over it for a few days and I received God’s confirmation in a few ways. I received His word from 1 Cor 1:27. “But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.” God doesn’t need to use the wise or the strong to accomplish great things, for it is not by the power or the might of man, but by the spirit of the Almighty God that the will of God is done. I also know that if I would only go because I feel that I am ready and prepared for it, then I would be depending on my own strength. But if I should go even though I don’t think I’m ready for it, then I’ll be drawing on the strength of the Lord.

Also, I have been praying all year for the Lord to use me to carry out His will. I could feel that He has been preparing me for His purposes and it’s a really great and exciting feeling. I’ve also been praying that I can have a quiet time away from everything to focus on God and this appointment is really God’s answer to so many prayers. How could I not go then?

At the encounter God answered so many of my prayers and His Holy Spirit was with me throughout. I moved in His power and carried out my role to the best I could because He was working through me. I didn’t know what to do or what to say, but I moved as the Spirit prompted. I myself too was ministered to and I understood myself better. I also was blessed with the gift of tongues when I seek the Lord for it. Praise God.

I’m starting to feel the fire of God again, and I’m excited and raring to go forth and do more for the Lord. For I know that I can never out do what the Lord is doing for me. The fire of God is a dangerous fire. It’s the refiner’s fire, which burns up every impurity in me, turning out something that is pleasing and fine at the end. I’ve just been through the fire, and it’s painful. But in the end that’s what I want. I want to be holy like my Lord Jesus, to be a good testimony to His goodness and grace and to be just like Him. That is how I want to meet my Maker at the end of the day, changed and transformed into His image. Because I love Him, and I know He loves me too.

HauGeng
November 2006

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